If God didn't give me a spirit of fear, then where'd I get it from?

I've been afraid of the dark since...always, I guess. I can remember going back and forth with my mother, begging her to leave the hall closet light on, then trying to be a "big girl" and sleep without it, but never succeeding.

I can remember being 10 years old, at the summer cottage with my uncle and grandmother. I can remember being wide awake at 4 in the morning, all the lights on in my room, reading the Psalms: "I will both lie down in peace and sleep, for only thou, O Lord, makest me lie down in safety." David wrote that when he was hiding in caves from Saul, fleeing for his life. If King David could write that when armed men were out to kill him, why couldn't I find peace and comfort in a snug little house surrounded by my loving family?

The problem is, I know that while everything that happens to me is for a purpose, and everything is God-filtered, bad things can still happen to me. Muggings, rapes, murders, house fires, abductions-- these things happen to Christians as well as non-Christians. So while I intellectually understand that God is in control of everything that happens, I emotionally cannot forget that He has made no promises to spare His children from suffering. So I can't just lull myself to sleep saying, "God's not going to let anything happen," because I know it isn't true. So I somehow think that I can stave off evil if I just stay awake and vigilant. And even though in my head, I know that God won't let anything happen to me that I cannot bear... I'm afraid. I'm afraid of pain, terror, death.... I'm afraid of being afraid. I know that I'm not brave, strong, or cunning, and if anything were to happen, how could I protect my children? I get nervous during thunderstorms, for crying out loud. I'd be nowhere near a hero if someone broke into our house.

Add to this the fact that my husband travels A LOT for work, and you have a recipe for dysfunction. I'm up until at least 2 in the morning every night that he's gone, until exhaustion finally sets in. Because of a health condition that I have, I don't sleep well at all, so I'm depleted of all energy the next day. By the end of a work week, when my husband's been gone for five days, you can just imagine how well I'm coping.